Funny Retirement Quotes
Written by Brian B

75 Funny Retirement Quotes

If you are searching for “funny retirement quotes“, this list is for you! Use these famous quotes to send a boss, co-worker or teacher off to a happy and healthy retirement.

Funny Quotes About Retirement

  1. “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Mark Twain
  2. “Retirement: no job, no stress, no pay!” – Unknown
  3. “Retire from work, but not from life.” – M.K. Soni
  4. “It is better to live rich than to die rich.” – Samuel Johnson
  5. “If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be no shortage of fishing poles.” – Doug Larson
  6. “As for me, except for the occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.” – Robert Benchley
  7. “The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.” – Abe Lemons
  8. “You have to put off being young until you can retire.” – Unknown
  9. “There is a whole new kind of life ahead, full of experiences just waiting to happen. Some call it retirement; I call it bliss.” – Betty Sullivan
  10. “In retirement, I look for days off from my days off.” – Mason Cooley
  11. “It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” – Andy Rooney
  12. “Work is the curse of the drinking classes.” – Oscar Wilde
  13. “The company gave me an aptitude test and I found out the work I was best suited for was retirement.” – Unknown
  14. “Sometimes it’s hard to tell if retirement is a reward for a lifetime of hard work or a punishment.” – Terri Guillemets
  15. “I think that retirement is the first step towards the grave.” – Hugh Hefner
  16. “Often when you are at the end of something, you’re at the beginning of something else.” – Fred Rogers
  17. “Retirement is not in my vocabulary. They aren’t going to get rid of me that way.” – Betty White
  18. “I need to retire from retirement.” – Sandra Day O’Connor
  19. “Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” – Kitty O’Neill Collins
  20. “Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.” – Will Rogers
  21. “A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.” – Ella Harris
  22. “When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income.” – Chi Chi Rodriguez
  23. “I always likened retirement to falling off a cliff, and then you have to kind of brush yourself off.” – Steve Young
  24. “Retirement at 65 is ridiculous. When I was 65, I still had pimples.” – George Burns
  25. “You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” – C.S. Lewis
  26. “There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want.” – Bill Watterson
  27. “As in all successful ventures, the foundation of a good retirement is planning.” – Earl Nightingale
  28. “When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.” – R.C. Sherriff
  29. “My retirement plan is to get thrown into a minimum security prison in Hawaii.” – Julius Sharpe
  30. “Retirement: world’s longest coffee break.” – Unknown
  31. “Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money.” – Jonathan Clements
  32. “I have never liked working. To me, a job is an invasion of privacy.” – Unknown
  33. “He who laughs last at the boss’s jokes probably isn’t far from retirement.” – Unknown
  34. “There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working.” – Robert Half
  35. “Retirement: it’s nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese.” – Gene Perret
  36. “You can’t retire from being great.” – Unknown
  37. “Some of the best memories are made in flip flops.” – Kellie Elmore
  38. “We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.” – Winston Churchill
  39. “What do you call a person who is happy on Monday? Retired.” – Unknown
  40. “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” – Maya Angelou
  41. “I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So, I do it three or four times a day.” – Gene Perret
  42. “I’m not just retiring from the company, I’m also retiring from my stress, my commute, my alarm clock, and my iron.” – Hartman Jule
  43. “Retirement is when you stop lying about your age and start lying around the house.” – Unknown
  44. “Retirement, a time to do what you want to do, when you want to do it, where you want to do it, and how you want to do it.” – Catherine Pulsifer
  45. “You’re retired – goodbye tension, hello pension.” – Unknwon
  46. “Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.” – Gene Perret
  47. “The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.” – Unknown
  48. “You don’t stop laughing when you grow old. You grow old when you stop laughing.” – George Bernard Shaw
  49. “To me, retirement means doing what you have fun doing.” – Dick Van Dyke
  50. “Retirement is wonderful if you have two essentials: much to live on and much to live for.” – Unknown
  51. “Retirement: that’s when you return home from work one day and say, ‘Hi honey, I’m home forever.” – Gene Perret
  52. “Retirement is not the end of the road. It is the beginning of the open highway.” – Unknown
  53. “Don’t act your age in retirement. Act like the inner young person you have always been.” – J.A. West
  54. “You can never have the comeback if you don’t have the retirement.” – Chael Sonnen
  55. “I see retirement as just another of these reinventions, another chance to do new things and be a new version of myself.” – Walt Mossberg
  56. “Golf is played by 20 million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.” – Jim Bishop
  57. “A lot of friends complain about their retirement. We tell ’em to get a life.” – Vince Lombardi
  58. “In retirement, every day is Boss Day and every day is Employee Appreciation Day.” – Unknown
  59. “Working people have a lot of bad habits, but the worst of those is work.” – Clarence Darrow
  60. “Money is something you got to make in case you don’t die.” – Max Asnas
  61. “I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.” – Bob Hope
  62. “Gainfully unemployed, very proud of it, too.” – Charles Baxter
  63. “The best thing about retirement is not having to wear pants.” – Mark Hewer
  64. “You might be on the back nine of life, but it’s good to finish strong.” – Morton Shaevitz
  65. “Retired is being tired twice, I’ve thought, the first tired of working, then tired of not.” – Richard Armour
  66. “You’ve heard of the three ages of man: youth, middle age, and you’re looking wonderful.” – Cardinal Spellman
  67. “Goodbye to 9 to 5. Hello, time.” – Unknown
  68. “We no longer follow traditional retirement models. We have rebelled against them.” – Margaret Nash
  69. “Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache unless you play golf.” – Gene Perret
  70. “I work harder now that I have retired from corporate life, than when I actually worked, but I love it.” – Catherine Pulsifer
  71. “I am a free man. I feel as light as a feather.” – Javier Perez De Cuellar
  72. “Happiness is being like you – retired!” – Catherine Pulsifer
  73. “The money’s no better in retirement but the hours are.” – Unknown
  74. “Retirement is when you stop living at work and begin working at living.” – Unknown
  75. “Retirement itself is the best gift. No gold watch could ever top it.” – Abigail Charleson

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